My wife and daughter went out yesterday afternoon, leaving me at home on a Sunday for the first time in a while. The perfect time to do something incredibly important that I couldn't do with other people around:
Hide My Giant Black Penis
Oops. I think I need to go back about a year. My father is a Selectman for a small New England town. Every year they have a "winter festival". Normal Americans go inside each winter and wait until barbecue season comes around again. But in rural New England, sub-zero temperatures are a great excuse for an outdoor "festival". Every interest group in town contributes some sort of sculpture. The local high school builds a unicorn. The Rotary Club builds a fire truck. The Lions build ... (wait for it) ... a lion.
The next morning, before sunrise, my Dad gets a call that they need "help" with the cleanup. He shows up to find that right next to the unicorn and fire truck, someone has a deposited a giant black penis. Or, at least, a reasonable facsimile thereof. Solid rubber. About two feet tall. Mostly erect (but not entirely). With one giant round testicle to either side. Jiggling a bit despite the hard frost on the ground. It probably weighs thirty pounds. When I say "black", I mean
black. It's not Obama black, or even Wesley Snipes black. It's Darth Vader black.
Apparently it's the job of the town's 2nd Selectman to clear the Town Green of any and all giant penises, before the town's residents see it on their way to church. As he picks up the penis, one of the testicles falls off. I guess that's why the pranksters were willing to part with this giant black dildo. Once it breaks, you can't use it anymore. You have to go buy a new one.
My father didn't know what to do with the penis. So I called dibs. You never know when you'll need a giant black penis.
I brought it home and hid it in our abandoned chicken coop. I wanted to put it somewhere that my 11-year-old daughter (and her friends) wouldn't accidentally find it. But by the time Autumn rolled around, they were playing hide-and-seek in the yard. A lot. And the chicken coop was the perfect hiding place. Thankfully, no one found it. When you hide, you look
*out* to see if anyone's going to find you. So you don't notice it when you are squatting down on an absurdly over-sized rubber dildo.
Nevertheless, the penis needed a better hiding place. I should have moved it when the power went out for nine days and I was bored. But I didn't think of it. So now it's February and I have some privacy. Time to hide the penis.
Because I can't really think of a better hiding place, I figure that I will just conceal it. I grab a large cardboard box from the garage and head out to the coop. The penis won't fit in the box. I head back in to get a tape measure so I can measure the penis.
Now here's the problem. I have ADD. And it's been really bad recently. I lost my ADD prescription so I've run out of ADD meds. Last week I started siphoning kerosene into my kerosene heater and wandered away. I didn't realize this until I heard the kerosene overflowing and splashing onto my driveway. Then I proceeded to leave an open container of kerosene in the back of my pickup truck. When my wife went to get the truck inspected, she was driving a 50-mile-an-hour Molotov cocktail.
So now I have a thirty-pound black dildo, standing upright in my side yard. Visible from my driveway. And I've gone into the house to get a tape measure. I find a tape measure, but it isn't the
*good* tape measure. And I like my good tape measure, so I keep looking. Then I realize I have to send an important email to Korea before they get to work on Monday and since they are 13 hours ahead, I have to get it written and sent right now. And I have to bug my co-worker about checking in some computer code. And then I see that my friend Matt has played "ZITHER" in "Words With Friends". Now it's my turn.
Thankfully, I have
some ADD coping skills. One is to set the oven timer to 5 minutes when I'm starting a task, to remind me to get back on task. The oven beeps three times and I realize there's still a big black dong in my yard.
I decide the wise thing to do is to just go measure it with the crappy tape measure. Back out into the cold. The penis is twenty-three and a half inches. And about a foot wide (if you include both the attached and unattached testicles).
Back into the house for a bigger box. And then the basement. And then the garage. I come to the stark realization that I don't have a box big enough to hold the penis. And I've started to re-organize the shelves in my basement. Oh, shit!!! What was I just doing?!?
So I just grab a big black plastic garbage bag and go back outside. I wrap up the dildo and tuck it in the darkest corner of the chicken coop. It turns out that wrapping black plastic around a giant black penis doesn't help much. It just adds wrinkles. Before, it looked like a giant black penis. Now it looks like a giant black uncircumsized penis.
There's only one place left for the penis. The people who built my house didn't finish building it before they sold it to us. There is an unfinished room above the garage. The only way into this space is through an exterior door. The door is 13 feet off the ground. There are no stairs. It's the one place my daughter and her friends would never hide.
Into the garage to get the 20-foot folding aluminum ladder. Back to the chicken coop to get the 23-inch penis. Back to the house. Lean the ladder up against the house. Prop up one side with a loose rock to try to make it level. Tuck the penis under one arm. It's heavy and awkward, but I've been working out.
Halfway up the ladder, I hear some beeping noises. When I went outside, I took my phone with me. I wanted to be sure that my wife or daughter could reach me if they needed to. The phone is in the front pocket of my leather jacket. Right next to the penis. It seems that the penis has just "butt-dialed" someone. From my pocket, a woman's voice says "hello?".
But I don't have time for small talk. I'm halfway up a ladder, in February, with a thirty pound penis. I must soldier on.
As I get to the top, my left hand (the one without the penis) has trouble grabbing the ladder. It's below freezing and very windy. The sun is setting and I just spent the last ten minutes unfolding my rusty aluminum ladder. Aluminum isn't supposed to rust. But this ladder doesn't know that. The ladder has three joints that each lock at a variety of angles. By the time I have the ladder unfolded, my fingers are numb from the cold. On my right hand, my fingers aren't as cold. They have been protected by the black plastic bag that holds the penis. I have to switch the penis to my other hand. I have to roll the giant balls across my body so that that head of the penis is facing my house, and then grab it under my left arm, all without letting go of the ladder. And I have to do it quickly. Before my daughter, and her friend, and her friend's parents, pull into the driveway.
It's difficult. I almost drop the penis. But I don't drop it. I don't want to break it. The head of the penis, about the size of a cantaloupe, is now resting peacefully against the sill of the doorway.
Just then, something shoots out of the penis. It hit me in the face and then darts away. A bird! There is a bird's nest in the corner of the doorway. I had assumed it was empty. I was wrong. It seems that a giant penis blocking out the sun is enough to scare a small bird into abandoning it's nest.
"Startled" is an understatement. After I watch the bird fly off into the trees behind me, I realize that the top of my ladder is no longer touching my house. Everything moves in slow motion as the ladder tips farther backwards. I look down at the jagged boulder I'm about to fall on. When I die, my obituary will say "Died Holding A Thirty-Pound Penis". Or "Killed By A Giant Black Schlong".
But the ladder stops moving. The penis saved me!!! Without thinking, I have straightened my left arm. I am holding thirty pounds of simulated penis meat at full extension. Our center of gravity is now on the other side of the ladder, and the ladder inches back towards my house. As the ladder clatters into the vinyl siding, I thank God for my giant black penis.
I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest. But the doorknob is within reach. I open it with my right hand, slide the penis in, and slam the door shut.
By the time my family comes home, the penis is shrouded in total darkness and the ladder is folded up and put away.
Yay!
