Mitt Romney's America

With the inauguration of Barack Obama to his 2nd term, it's worth taking a moment to consider what the United States would be like today if Mitt Romney were taking the oath of office on the Capitol steps.

It is, of course, difficult to know. Romney invented Obamacare before denouncing it. He said that government can't create jobs, but that his administration would create 12 million jobs. He is "staunchly pro-life" and "defends a woman's right to choose".

So, we have no idea what his policies would be. But we do one thing about the way he thinks everyone should live.

"If a Democrat were here, he'd look around and say no one should live like this. Republicans come here and say everyone should live like this." - Mitt Romney, during a fundraiser at "Papa" John Schnatter's 24,000 square foot limestone castle, complete with 22-car garage and private golf course.


Unlike the "47%" comment, I actually think Mitt is proud of this statement. With hard work, low taxes and generous government subsidies for the rich, we can all live like Papa John.

Wow.

I'm going to ignore the fact that Mr. Schatter's carbon footprint is bigger than Godzilla's, and just think about the actual logistics of everyone living like this.

In "Mitt Romney's America":

1. Everyone has a 22-car garage. We each get about 10 cars plus some empty spaces for visitors.

2. Everyone has 11 bathrooms. Because everyone like this, you can't hire someone to clean your bathrooms for you. They are too busy cleaning their own bathrooms. And do you really expect someone with their own private golf course to spend their days cleaning toilets?

3. Everyone repairs air conditioners. Again, you can't hire an HVAC specialist for a reasonable rate, because they are all busy keeping their own homes running. Perhaps some sort of barter economy would develop where your neighbor would clean and maintain your cooling and heating systems in return for you cleaning and maintaining her four swimming pools. Or maybe you'd rather spend 120 hours each week washing dishes or vacuuming walk-in closets.

4. There are no schools. Everyone is too busy mowing lawns for anyone to go to college and become a teacher. Also, kids have to start work as soon as they can operate a pair of pruning shears.

5. There are no cities. Everyone lives on 16 acres. The sprawl created by everyone moving out of New York City would cover 400,000 square miles, stretching from Canada to Florida (and completely covering Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia).

6. After filling every square inch of the United States (including Alaska) we would invade and colonize: Canada, Mexico, India, China, Brazil, South Africa, Kenya, Greenland, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Argentina, Indonesia, Pakistan, Nigeria, Japan, Vietnam, Egypt, North Korea, South Korea, Bangladesh ... and all of Europe. This kills or displaces more than two thirds of the world's population.

Alternatively, we could occupy every acre on the Moon and still have enough Americans to fill all of Siberia.

7. There are no universities, no telephones and no internet. We have giant unlit houses with no roads and no electricity running to them. There are no hospitals or research laboratories. America would become the least innovative country on the planet (behind Burundi and Mozambique).

8. On the bright side, we would have the world's lowest wealth inequality (better than Sweden and South Korea).

Oops. I just noticed that Mitt didn't say "every American". He said "everyone".

So, new plan. First, pave over every ocean and lake so that the Earth has enough land for all the people in China, India and Brazil. The United States gets all of the moon, and most of Mercury (the new "Sunbelt"). Russia gets Mars (they like cold weather). Everyone else fits on Venus. And Neil deGrasse Tyson can go live on Pluto.